a perfect summer's day - minus perfect

Today was the kind of summer day that poems are written about. Cool breezes, dappled sunlight, slow morning at the breakfast table, talking over oatmeal and tea, snuggling with teenager chickens, drawing in the shade of a quince bush, quickly sketching my daughter as she worked on her computer, spending the late afternoon painting a still life, making a loaf of hearty whole wheat bread, and having breakfast for dinner. The parts that would get cut from the poem are waking with a painful back after another bad night’s sleep, too many bug bites to count, chicken poop, and stepping on a toad, not knowing if it was okay because it ran away too fast to mother it. :( I am sorry little toad.

lemon phase

When my son was ten years old he was really into horticulture. We were living in Pittsburgh at the time and would spend Saturday mornings at the Carnegie Library, where he would carry as many books on gardening as he could to one of the oversized tables. He would diligently pore through the stack, taking as many notes as he could in the three hours that his sister was at her art class. That summer we ate a lot of zucchini and zucchini blossoms, which he learned were best if breaded and fried. That same summer we moved back to Virginia, where we had a lot more land to grow on, but the soil, the color of rust, was barren of produce. He was still ambitious and determined so we got him a little greenhouse that would later blow away during a bad storm. He would spend any money he had on plants and even bought a $35 lemon tree. I know he was so excited just to envision all the lemons the tree would produce in the time to come. Although it did produce a little baby lemon at first, it never amounted to much, and one by one the leaves began to fall off. Virginia just isn’t meant for growing lemons. He learned the hard way that gardening takes more than just wanting to have a garden. It takes years of hard work and learning about the land and knowing the land, it takes a lot of love and dedication, and sometimes it takes living in the right place to be able to harvest a healthy lemon. While his lemon phase is over, he’s now a bit older and into a sourdough phase and having much more success. So much in life is like this. You try, you fail, you fail again, you get deflated, and sometimes you keep trying or you realize it’s just not working so you try something else. It’s especially hard when you really, really want it to work out. Painting still feels like that to me sometimes and so does pottery, which I have actually put more hours into than painting at this point in my life. This painting of a lemon is just the beginning and while I am further on it than what you see here, I am nowhere near to being finished. When I first started it I was anxious, excited, frustrated, and a bit overwhelmed. I swear I feel this way every time I start a painting, but it hasn’t stopped me yet.

three things….

First, I am so happy that Trekell Art Supplies has accepted my application to be an affiliate. For years and years, I have been a Blick customer, but they wouldn’t approve of me as an affiliate, even though I taught classes and gave them so much business. When the quarantine hit I noticed Blick took away its usual coupons that would usually save some, but not much when applied to each order. Understandable, but still, it felt like the wrong thing to do. While Blick is a family-owned business, it’s the world’s oldest and largest art supplier and I think it’s better to spread things out than let one company get so big. I sought out a smaller company and found Trekell. So far, I have placed three orders and have been very happy with each order. Until I can shop at my local art supply store I will be hanging out in the online Trekell shop. If you would like to check them out you can get $5 off your first order by clicking here. Anytime you shop there and want to help me out you can click on the Trekell link above. For you to use affiliate links is very helpful, so thank you. Ps. I love their brushes! The Legion brushes are so worth it!

White Flower Balm Oil is amazing if you don’t mind smelling like one of those little thick coined pink shaped candies.

The work of Simone Saunders. I love her hand-tufted textiles and the use of bold color!

drift and call it dreaming

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Waking up crying because of a bad dream after only a few hours of sleep makes for a slow-moving kind of day. That was my day today, due to the vixen shrieking all night, waking me after 3 hours of sleep. Then the middle of the night fears seep in and are always so much heavier and scarier at 4 am. What a strange time 4 am is. We say 4 in the morning, but it certainly feels more like the night to me, dark and leaning towards lonely when doing most anything feels odd unless you are on the road to catch a 5 am flight or out delivering newspapers or working 3rd shift. Wide awake at 4 am, I thought about all the things I wasn’t doing and all the things I haven’t done and all the things I wish I would have done. I tried a few meditations, they didn’t work, I tried organizing the 12,258 pictures on my camera roll, that didn’t work, so I just gave in to the fact that I was awake, in the dark, waiting to fall asleep. I was close to falling asleep as 5 am rolled in and all the birds woke and started singing their morning songs. I drifted in and out of sleep until 8 am when I finally got up to feed the chickens and walk Moni Bear before coming to my studio to paint. One of the things I like the least about quarantining is that the days, weeks, and months all seem to be one big lump of time and today just added to that lump.

‘the birds were too loud’ - oil on paper

Okay, lets get back to 3 things

nick shoulder’s tiny desk submission.

this bread!!! Instead of bran cereal I used bran flakes!

these paints that came in the mail today. I haven’t used poster paint in so long, but just having a table full of colorful paints makes me happy. and makes me think back to when my children were younger. the paints are actually for a couple projects they are working on, I will have to let you know how they stand up for the price.

ten ways to get out of a rut

If you want the answer to that you will have to google it, perhaps you did and that’s why you are here?

I don’t actually know the answer to this…

wait, give me a minute. okay, here are my suggestions:

  1. Change your scenery - maybe move your furniture around, this always helps me. Sometimes I even swap rooms just for a change.

  2. Take ah hour-long walk. If you can, do it alone in the woods.

  3. Write it out. Get a piece of paper and write, don’t stop, and don’t think about what you are writing - just write, when you are finished tear it up or paint on it or burn it.

  4. If you can, cuddle - with another human or an animal. Lately, I have been deep into chicken cuddling. They seem to enjoy it as much as I do.

  5. Learn something new. There’s always something new to learn, whether it be how to make a bracelet or how to be happy, the internet is here for you!

  6. Play a video game. I know, I know, but video games have been proven to improve moods and anxiety and depression. Minecraft is my video game of choice and I won’t tell you just how many hours I played with my son when my daughter went to college, but I will tell you it somehow made me feel less sad and less anxious. I am also kind of proud of my full stack of diamonds.

  7. Make a mood board! Make it out of collage, or make it online using Tumblr, or make a new Pinterest board of things you want in your life.

  8. Make a cake. heck - this should have been number one! If you aren’t a cake person (how?) then make a new recipe - something you want to try that’s new to you!

  9. Dance! The feeling after a good dance session is like no other. Don’t know how to dance? just move your body to music, don’t think about it, just feel it.

  10. Let it all out. Scream, laugh, cry, sob, get down on your hand and knees and throw a full-blown tantrum. Just know you are human, this heavy feeling of being stuck, for whatever reason, will come and will go. It’s part of the eternal suffering we call life and all of us go through it, some more than others, but still…it’s there, waiting in the shadows.

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I actually didn’t plan this list or have any idea of what I was going to write about until I started writing. I was thinking about how I feel like I am in some kind of rut, like a lot of us, and so I googled “rut” just to make sure that’s what the saying is and low and behold the first thing I read (but didn’t click on) was “ten ways to get out of a rut.” As I scrolled down, everything on the first page was ways to “help” one get out of a rut. The phrase comes from when wheels of a covered wagon would get stuck in a rut in the road and make the journey a lot longer, due to the difficulty of moving quickly. Today it just means to feel unmotivated, going nowhere. I can relate to this feeling. Feeling more unmotivated than ever, but trying, here and there to be productive. I spent the morning painting a painting I hated and so I took a break, cuddled my chickens, made some tea, and started over and painted the piece above, one I feel much better about. Sometimes it takes making something we hate to push us into the place of starting over. The only problem is when we don’t start over and just quit with the hating part. I understand this but also love to prove to myself that I can do it, even if it takes me multiple tries.